I think what I’m most grateful for is freedom from addictions. It’s been a few months since I smoked my last cigarette and marijuana. Harder drugs, it’s been years. More specifically I’m free from the mental habit of addiction, from thirst; that thing that drives you to negativity and senseless activity, whether standing on your feet all night long walking around looking for a cigarette. It amounts to the same thing; purposeless engagement.
It’s going to sound cheesy, and I’m sure you can see it coming. But specifically, I’m grateful for Jesus Christ, and how that’s helped me overcome addictions; but that’s not really much of an explanation. When you study the gospel it tells you how to have purpose. It tells you to take care of others, how to serve others, and not look after your own needs. God and other people will take care of my needs as I serve other people.
I do take care of myself, but my goal isn’t to satisfy my pleasures. My goal is to develop beyond my wants and satisfying myself. My goal is toward the next life. When I think about my addictive behavior, I ask myself, “Is that something I could consecrate? Is it something that makes me healthy, or somehow stronger, or am I just making excuses continually? How does this compare to Christ agonizing on the cross as far as my suffering goes when I withdraw?”
That’s part A. Part B is this: When you empty your mind, when you find those moments where you’re not questing after something—needing your next hit—whatever it is, there can be a peace inside of you. Think of your ordinary internal dialogue. You might be worrying away about your grades, or what people might be thinking about you, or you might be thinking where your next cigarette is going to come from—that’s been mine for many years; but in the absence of that, that’s where the voice of the Lord comes, where that peace resides, where revelation happens. When I’m not thirsty for the next thing, I’m peaceful; not worried or afraid, not questing after. Many of us get addicted to fear, addicted to worry. We get addicted to the internal thought processes that I’ve described. Certainly, that emptiness of mind, that’s where you find the peace of being. You’re well-fed, you’re warm, you’re not thirsty, physically speaking. Why be upset in the moment?
Jesus embodies that faith. He assures us that God will provide for things as they arise. It’s like Buddhism essentially; emptying the self, becoming self-less. What can you become when you’re selfless? What can you let come in? I think about Buddhism and the concept of nirvana, itself. Say when they draft you into the military, you can become a conscientious objector. Trying to attain nirvana is becoming a conscientious objector in the cosmic war between the Lord and Satan, if you like. Your soul can in actualize—I don’t know the metaphysics of it—but once you empty yourself, you can see what’s out there. What’s my radio picking up from around me? Whether it’s the thoughts of other people, or something bigger—the collective consciousness, whether it’s angels and demons, or whether it’s the lord himself—that’s something you can attune to.
I started the quest so to speak with the idea that maybe everything is true. Maybe all the gods are true. But through the yearning for the spirit, I came to the conclusion that what I found is truer. I started out not believing in God and Jesus Christ. But I started asking what’s real. Is it the feeling in the heart, in the gut, the coincidences that happen around me, be it bad luck or good luck?
The hard part is not being judgmental. Whenever I take a step forward, it’s easy to judge where I was standing before. It makes me a little bit sad. It’s never comfortable. For years on the street I was kind of an adolescent; I couldn’t take care of myself, I needed someone to take care of me. I need to not stand in judgment of that now. I’m grappling with that right now. It never ends.
I have shelter on a piece of property where I have permission to stay. It’s something I hope to get through eventually, and hopefully get off the street. It not like I have to find a reason to be happy. I stay warm, it’s a little bit damp in my shelter, but all things considered I stay warm. It’s good. If I can take care of myself, I do. I’m trying to be self-sufficient. I don’t come around the Food & Care Coalition as often as I used to. The people who work here are delightful, their breakfast hash is delicious—but often the other clients don’t like my example. I love my street family, but I want to be free of my bad habits. It’s a downside of creating a community on the streets if we mutually reinforce our bad habits. That’s why I admire self-sufficiency. You are isolating yourself from corrupting influences, and seeing what’s up with you.
People are things that I love. If I have a couple extra packets of oatmeal, I’ll give it to you if you want it. It’s the vagabond’s code. If I’ve got it and you need it, we can share. The beauty of being deep in the cup of the Lord and being alive with the Holy Spirit is that we create a nourishing presence. I can imagine what it must have been like to be around Jesus Christ or the Buddha. When people are ill, we feel ill. And when people are happy, we feel happy. When someone is thirsty, or fearful we can feel that too. And when people are peaceful, you feel that.
South Provo Prophet 